ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES

Have you ever seen a movie and it reminded you about something that happened in your life? In my case I was running from a movie that reminded me of my life 13 years ago. The movie was called ENOUGH and it starred Jennifer Lopez. Although I never killed my abuser the fact was that between the tender ages of 19-21 I was involved in a live-in domestic violence situation and something about this movie rang to close to home. The movie ENOUGH is about a woman who ends up marrying a guy that she thinks is her hero. She’s had a rough life, her mom died young and her dad abandoned them. And for a while it seemed like a dream. Sure there were red alarms with some things but for the most part she was happy, that is until she finds out her husband is having an affair and confronts him. Then the physical abuse begins. And it escalates to the point where she has to run with her daughter or lose her life. 

My situation didn’t involve a husband or a child, just a boyfriend. But the abuse was real. I remember feeling so alone and so hopeless. Like I was drowning in slow motion and the people around me could see me but no one noticed my pain. I would go to work and school and hide the bruises, most of the time he hit me where my clothes would cover.  There is a shame involved with domestic violence that blinds you to hope and unless you have looked at yourself in the mirror after being abused and wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” “Where did I go wrong?” “How did I let it get to this point?” “I wish I would die….anything is better than this.” At the end of the movie a police officer comes up to Jennifer Lopez’s character and tells her, “You were one of the lucky ones”.  About 1,400 women die each year because of domestic violence in America.  One of the lucky ones, I am one.

Domestic violence doesn’t begin with violence. It begins when the abuser tears about the victims self-esteem and makes them get to the point where the victim actually believes that they deserve the abuse. It’s all a lie!  The truth is that God sees you for who you really are:

·         John 1:12 I am God's child.
Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God

• Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
  In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.
• Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
  I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

What I learned after watching this movie was to stop running from things that remind me of my past. The truth of the situation is that God was watching over me and He got me out of a dangerous situation. And the Bible says that He is the same; yesterday, today and forever. He made me lucky one and since He doesn’t change He can do that same for you. 

Remembering My first Love

" “Write this letter to the angel of the church in Ephesus. This is the message from the one who holds the seven stars in his right hand, the one who walks among the seven gold lamp stands:
 ² “I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. ³ You have patiently suffered for me without quitting.
 ⁴ “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first!^[b] 5 Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches. ⁶ But this is in your favor: You hate the evil deeds of the Nicolaitans, just as I do.

 ⁷ “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches. To everyone who is victorious I will give fruit from the tree of life in the paradise of God." Revelation 2:1-7 (NLT)

I recently was able to go visit the first church that I called home. I was with my husband in the bronx and we were invited to a water baptism service. From the moment I entered the church building I began having flashbacks. I remembered wher I sat for the first 2 years of my walk with God. I remember the place where I accepted His Gift of Salvation. I remembered the altar where I walked up and stood before a giant of a man, my very first pastor and prayed the sinners prayer of repentance. And then as I watched the baptism candidates go one by one into the waters of baptism I remembered how my baptism felt to me more than 7 years ago. I even remembered staying up late the night before my baptism because I had promised the pastor I was going to read the gospel of John before the baptism and how I had procrastinated doing so until the last minute.Then I remembered commiting myself to my husband before the presence of God and my church family at that very altar. And then my mind began to speed up as I remembered the first human video I performed and the many lives that God had allowed me to impact in that place. And as I cried feeling the presence of God all around me the worship team began to sing "Because He loves me" and I snapped back to my reality and realized that the reason why I had started this journey in the first place was because I realized during that prayer mtg over 7 yrs ago that God loved me...once this thought had crossed my heart I realized that I felt so sad, not because God loved me but because in the business of serving Him I had forgotten why I served Him. In this world we will have troubles. God never promised us a rose garden here He did say thru His son that He would prepare a place for us. My challenge to you is to ask the Lord have you forgotten something important? Like how it felt to have no hope and then all of a sudden surrending to God and realizing how much you loved Him? Think about your first love the next time you get frustrated with your life. Remember that you are not where you were even if you still haven't arrived to where you're going. 

Isn't this Pic cute!

How much of this has been my own fault?

I recently had this really profound thought. You know one of those thoughts that causes you to stop what you're doing a re-evaluate your life? Well, that is exactly what happened to me. While knitting away one evening after my husband had gone to sleep. I began to wonder, "How much of the troubles in your life were caused by your bad decisions?" I almost dropped a stitch! We are so accustomed to blaming the world, the devil and people for our unhappiness that when I pondered this I was shocked. I began to inventory my life. Beginning with relationships and the fact that I don't have many friends. Oh! I have the fleeting friendship that ends up being a disconnect when the investment becomes overwhelming but life longs pals...not that many.

The minute a friend corrected me I would tell myself, "It's better to let them go. They think they are better then you anyway." But the Bible says, "Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." Proverbs 27:6 (NLT)

Or when a friend offended me I would say, "I don't need them! I don't have to allow myself to get hurt." But the Bible says, "Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:13 (NLT)

 I began to think about how many times I felt like I was taken advantage of by others. And I would grumble and complain, then withdraw from the people. The Bible says, "Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." Luke 6:38 (NLT)

"This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you." John 15:12 (NLT)

"For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do." Hebrews 6:10 (NLT)

At the end of all my thinking I realized my lonely feeling wasn't caused by God, the World, or Satan, it was really caused by me and my poor decisions. And I remembered what the Bible said, "Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NLT) When I chose to humble myself and confess to God all the mistakes I had made. He was free to heal my heart and those situations didn't seem so grim. I now had hope.